The Search
For my hope had never died; I knew I was going to get it one day. But I could wait no longer. I was left breathless as my throat got choked and I was suffocating to death. It was killing me from inside…
My hunger made bile come up to my throat. I was impatient. I looked up at the clock which said that there were about four minutes left until the lunch started. But it seemed as if it would take four years for those minutes to die. Each word that my Math teacher spoke sounded like an old women singing a lullaby in pig Latin. I paid no attention to her. For once I thought that I was hungrier for the freedom that awaited me outside the classroom door rather than for food. I was an animal trapped in a cage.
And then, one by one the discordant zipping noise of the chains buzzed my ears. I sighed. It was the sign that they had started packing their bags and getting ready to leave. It was over. My sub-conscious was intimidating me to jump out of my seat and run for the door…run for the freedom. But I was a tortoise who never knew the meaning of briskness. Sluggishly, I put my books in my bag and got up to leave. I was one of the last persons to move out. But before I opened the door, I heard my teacher’s sweet voice from the back,” Bye, Jay.” The change from that cacophony to an enthusiastic charming tone startled me. I looked back and said in a monotonic voice,” Bye, have a nice day.”
As I stepped out, I could smell the scent of freedom and the freshness of the air. And there was smile, the signal of my happiness. It was a beautiful day. This time, the sky wasn’t even marked by the ephemeral amorphous clouds, but was a deep blue ocean. The sun shone brightly overhead, its rays tinkling my brown skin. And then came the smack.
I realized where I was heading to. No where. Everything turned into a nightmare. I felt like it took all the happiness out of my soul. The smile was gone; the smell was gone. I could feel the hole inside ripping my heart into thousand pieces. I was a burning fire in the land of ocean. For my hope had never died; I knew I was going to get it one day. But I could wait no longer. I was left breathless as my throat got choked and I was suffocating to death. It was killing me from inside….the loneliness.
It was my third week at school, and I knew that it couldn’t be worse. I had no one to look up to….no one. I felt as if I couldn’t come out of the shells of loneliness. I was trapped. My face had turned into a lifeless blighted flower showing no hope or regret. And the eyes….eyes of helplessness. I wondered that why they couldn’t see it. I knew that I had no place here, but I never regretted as it was my choice.
My stomach gave me another sign of contempt. I had to find a place to eat. I walked back near the center of the school and moved towards one of the small grass plots. It was their common place to eat. I carefully chose a spot in the middle of the plot’s peripheral side, away from their groups. Slowly, I kept my bag on the grass and sat on the concrete side that was surrounding the plot. I took a good two hundred and seventy degree view of the happening around the campus. And all I could see were faces; faces full of smiles, laughter, excitement, delight and most of all, satisfaction. For it is satisfaction which is the solution of all the desires in this world, and as a human, I don’t remember a moment when I was completely satisfied. I could see them talking loudly, calling names, and those big high fives and silly hand shakes; cracking jokes as if they were the lord of sense of humor. I could see no more. And I knew the reason. I wanted to be in their shoes; be happy like them, and feel as if the whole world was mine.
I forcibly withdrew my attention from them to feed my empty stomach who still hadn’t forgotten me. Leaning over to the back, I opened the front zipper of my bag to take out my precious lunch. There were no surprises that awaited me as I had packed the lunch myself. My mind got drifted to those days when I used to eagerly open my lunch box expecting the savory dishes that my mom had packed specially for me. My mom. Even the thought of her made the hole inside me grow bigger. I stopped thinking for once, as I knew that my thoughts would have forced the tears down my eyes. So I started eating my peanut butter sandwich which was as insipid as tasteless sugar. Each bite made it taste bitterer. My tongue had given up but my stomach hadn’t.
Eating slowly, I dragged my attention to my surroundings but carefully neglecting them. The golden sun shone so brightly again that it made my skin more colorful, and made my shadow on the ground look like it was painted pitch black. Its warm rays touched my skin that it seemed they were talking to my skin in a language I would never be able to understand. I threw my eyes suddenly to the seagull which came and perched on the top of the lamp post which stood about ten feet away right opposite to me, and was about twelve feet high. I could see the bird’s eyes, full of thirst & hunger, searching the ground for any dropped food. Its skin was as white as snow; although I couldn’t touch it I knew that it was as smooth & cold as marble, and as soft as cotton. As its eyes couldn’t find anything of importance, it flew away in the other direction with a hope. But I was still staring at the lamp post which stood as stable as a thousand year old tree. It was tall, thin and painted silver but the sun rays falling on it made its each part look like a resplendent diamond.
My mind was distracted by the tickling on my right arm as if my skin was touched so lightly that the thing could have been even softer than a feather. I jerked, and moved my arm underneath my eyes to look what it was. Crawling upon my thin little skin hair, was a tiny petite ant. It seemed as if it was lost in a different world but it still went on, for its search had never ended. I gently moved it to my left hand and gave it a closer look. Although I didn’t have microscopic eyes, I could see its six legs moving speedily in coordination; and its mouth was as big as an elephant’s. When I was done observing its complex structure, I turned back to look at the grass as I could guess where it came from. I found hundreds of them; some of them busy hunting an insect. I wondered why that ant crawled up to me leaving its food behind. May be it was my peanut butter sandwich, but I knew there was another reason which I could never guess. I gently blew the ant off on the grass, saying good bye as I would never see it again. I didn’t squeeze it as I had no right to take a life. I suddenly realized that I was an ant too, lost but still searching.
As I looked up, the breeze blew through my hair and I took a long breath expanding my lungs to the fullest to smell the sweet fresh air. I could hear the leaves of the palm trees behind me singing their songs as the cool wind touched their souls. My heart said that I was never left alone. And the smile was back again. I knew what I was looking for. And I found it where I imagined it would never be. It was peace that had encompassed its lonely hands around my chest, singing a silent song of satisfaction. It was peace that I had found within me. The feeling was so immortal that I never wanted to leave this place.
But then, the devil came and broke the silence into thousand pieces. It buzzed clamorously, piercing through my ear drums & numbing my brain. It was all over. But my search was over too, and I wasn’t hungry any more. I slowly got up, packed my bag, bade good bye to that place & started towards my third period class; until I was startled to hear my own voice,” It is not yet over Jay. It’s just the beginning…”
Now it has been about eight months since I am here in this school, and things have changed. But sometimes, you might still find me sitting there, playing with those ants, under the sun, listening to the wind, besides the green grass, near that lamp….near myself.
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